Smelly Brexit

‘Shite or bust’ is working – Boris to get birthday bumps on the road after no deal Brexit

PRIME Minister Boris Johnson has reiterated his total faith in his controversial “shite or bust” Brexit strategy in the aftermath of the leaked Operation Yellowhammer report predicting that the UK would descend into chaos in the event of a no deal exit from the EU on October 31.

Dismissing the leaked report Mr Johnston said that the British people would be giving him the “right royal birthday bumps” before the end of the year, such would be the improvement in the quality of life for all after Brexit.

Listen to me,” he urged, “I’ve said this on the steps of number 10 and I’ll say it again now, the “shite or bust” vision for my premiership works to put Britain first, gives us back control, unifies parliament and the nation and keeps waiting lists down.” 

Asked whether the leaked report constituted one of the ‘bumps on the road’ he had talked about in relation to Brexit, he said,

“Forget about all those silly leaked predictions and listen to this fine prediction of my own. “I confidently predict that within months of leaving the EU the people of our great country will be giving me the bumps on roads up and down the country.

“And they won’t be any old common or garden hail fellow well met bumps either, but proper 10th birthday bumps like the sort they gave me at the snooty primary school I attended before going to Eton.”

Mr Johnston had been tackled about the leaked report after a vaguely embarrassing moment during a visit to a children’s hospital.

The PM had claimed that “this ward looks ok” only for a nurse to retort “no its not!” Utterly dismissing the contents of the leaked report Mr Johnston said “shite or bust” had contingencies for every eventuality.

He stated categorically that there would be no transport chaos, no food and medicine shortages; no hard border in Ireland, protests or social unrest across the UK, as the report feared.

“The British people will be queueing up to give me the bumps on their road, and I promise I will travel the land allowing people the opportunity to right royally show their approval of “shite or bust” working for them,” he said.

Mr Johnston was subsequently quizzed on Home Secretary Priti Patel’s confirmation that freedom of movement for EU citizens would end on October 31 in the event of a no deal Brexit.

Mr Johnston made no comment when asked if the three million EU citizens living in the UK would want to give him the bumps. He was more direct on the question of arse kicking.

“Definitely no arse kicking during my right royal birthday bumps, let be very clear about that!” he said.

Mr Johnston was further quizzed on the way that his government has managed to fall out with Canada after revoking the citizenship of suspected ISIS fighter Jack Letts, dumping the problem at the door of one of our closest and long standing allies.

He was asked how, having achieved the near impossible feat or falling out with one of the most liberal and tolerant states on earth, would Canada be wanting to send someone to help with the bumps too.

Mr Johnston said that a representative from the former Dominion would be more than welcome, that they were welcome to kick his arse in private over the debacle but most certainly not during his right royal post Brexit birthday bumps.

©Ten Grand Leo

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