EAST Antrim MP Sammy Wilson has claimed that EU scuba-crats are constructing an Irish Sea border wall, just days after plans for the £20 billion Ulster to Scotland road bridge were revealed.
Mr Wilson said he had been nude scuba diving off Islandmagee, when he made the discovery which he said was a blatant violation of the integrity of UK territorial waters.
“I just took a quick scoot down to clear some WWII munitions to save taxpayers a bit of money,” he told this morning’s hastily convened press conference in Larne, in a most aggrieved tone, “to save them a few bob on the bridge to Scotland!”
“But instead of unexploded torpedoes and mines, there were a team of EU divers down there working away on some sort of barrier wall.”
Asked how he knew they were ‘EU divers’ and not recreational divers looking for ship wreaks, Mr Wilson said,
“Do I look like an idiot, do you think I can’t tell the difference between a hobby diver and an EU scuba-crat?
“They were instantly recognisable by their blatantly undemocratic manner, pushing past me in the water as if they owned the place,” he claimed, “but mainly it was the EU flag on the wet suit shoulder,” he added.
“Only EU snowflakes swim like that,” he continued, “they were quite obviously working on an Irish sea border wall between the UK and the EU – with Northern Ireland on the wrong side of it,” he added in consternation.
“It was a good 10 foot high and growing,” he claimed. “if it’s not stopped it will break the surface in weeks!”
“I was shocked and hurt,” he revealed, “we were most certainly in UK waters at the time.”
When asked whether Boris Johnston and the Tories were pulling a fast one, in advance of the PM’s ‘Shite or Bust’ EU exit date on October 31, Sammy said:
“That’s impossible given the cast iron assurances we have received, but being a thorough sort, I checked into that as soon as I got my togs on back on shore,” he said.
“My call went straight to Boris’s answer phone, but he’ll get back quickly I have no doubt!” he added confidently, “and I would strongly urge the Royal Navy to get down there and get them shifted.”
When quizzed about the nude scuba diving, he said there was nothing wrong with it.
“You should try it, it invigorates the dangly bits,” he said, “or better again just mind your own business,” he concluded shortly, “if one of my grannies was marrying the other one you wouldn’t be asking them anything, just wishing them a good life!”
©Ten Grand Leo