Smelly Brexit

EU citizen Nosferatu faces deportation after 120 years – ‘Dominic Cummings is undead not me’ he claims

INFAMOUS media characters Herr Flick of the Gestapo and Nosferatu the Vampire have rejected their “stereotyped” roles in British culture in favour of liberal democratic European values, TGL can exclusively reveal. 

Both characters created by British writers, that make foreigners look bad, have claimed that they were exploited by rich right-wing elements aimed at promoting a society based on unaccountable oligarchy, deference to one’s “betters” and the threat of thuggery.

The two EU citizens, resident in the UK for many years, say that subliminal messages, aimed at turning ordinary people against continental Europeans, were inserted into their  TV shows and movies by a cabal of right-winger s including Nigel Farage, Dominic Cummings, Jacob Rees-Moggs and the PM himself Boris Johnson. 

“Those toffee-nosed blood sucking leaches created me to be a metaphor for themselves,” Nosferatu revealed, “I am not un-dead, and I do not suck blood. I am slightly anaemic and don’t like bright light, it’s not a crime!”

Romanian national, Nosferatu, who may face deportation in the event of a no deal Brexit, has been living in the UK for 120 years.  

 “Dominic Cummings certainly is averse to light,” he went on, “is that not suspicious? Have you ever seen him eat garlic or enter a church? I think not! He is hiding in plain sight.”

Austrian national, Herr Flick of the Gestapo, who rose to fame in the 80’s in the BBC comedy ‘Allo Allo’ is equally upset by BREXIT.

“The sooner the Lib Dems, revoke Article 50, isn’t too soon for me,” Herr Flick revealed in a candid interview, “Fascism is no good unless you are a petty little Hitler yourself, a stunted moron with no empathy! It never was for me and I’m sick of pretending. 

“I prefer collecting porcelain, tending my garden and visiting my friend William once a week!”

“Listening to the great wisdom of Mr Verhofstadt has convinced me that only the centre ground truly respects the equality of all humanity. It’s time for me to move on.”   

“I am steeped in shared European culture going back 800 years,” Nosferatu concluded, “I am an asset, all I need is the odd blood transfusion to keep me going. I have generated a lot more cash for the UK than I ever did for Romania but these BREXIT idiots don’t see that.”

TGL asked Farage, Cummings, Moggs and Boris to comment, but they had already retired to their coffins, except Mr Moggs who preferred the sadomasochistic torture room for his place of nightly repose.

©Ten Grand Leo

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