TEN DUP MPs have been treated for rope burn after a humiliating Tug of War defeat by Independent North Down Unionist MP Lady Sylvia Herman outside the House of Commons.
The competition, held between Brexiteers and Remainers from the four regions of the UK, had been organised by Speaker John Bercow MP, keen to show the public that democratically elected representatives actually had some power at this time of constitutional crisis.
Underdog, Lady Herman, the only sitting Remain MP from Northern Ireland, found herself facing ten DUP MPs, in alliance with the unscrupulous Tory minority government these past two years.
To gasps of amazement from the hoards of bystanders, Lady Sylvia, heels still on, catapulted the DUP lineup to the muck with a robust and principled heave of the rope.
“Shocked, given the odds” Lady Sylvia confessed afterwards, “but jubilant that common sense Unionism triumphed over DUP idiot politics threatening the very Union we all hold so dear.”
Such was the chivalrous nature of Lady Sylvia that she had immediately rushed over to offer her Molton Brown hand cream to South Belfast MP Emma Little-Pengelly after her unexpected tumble to the turf.
Soon the other nine male DUP MPs were crowding around seeking relief as well.
“Ooooh soothes like a luxury holiday,” North Antrim MP Ian Paisley was heard to moan, nursing his burns delicately. “Better than Derry with a Protestant majority,” East Londonderry’s Gregory Campbell agreed fervently, as he applied the balm to his sensitive palms.
“Inspiration with UK wide resonance” concluded John Bercow, satisfied at the overall success of his initiative.
©Ten Grand Leo