REVOLUTIONARY new bigotry powered power stations could fulfil Northern Ireland’s energy needs 200 times over, giving us a trade surplus of billions.
So says a scientist from Ulster University who claims to have worked out a way of transforming society’s negative political feelings into electricity.
Dr Fergus P.H. Lanblether says that technology he has developed indisputably shows that unionist feelings of betrayal combining with nationalist reactive gloating have created a dynamo effect in the wake of Boris Johnson’s Brexit Bill passed in Westminster last week.
“We were on the point of giving up, we really were,” Dr Lanblether confessed, “but then last week our thousands of wee test dynamos across the province started slowly turning and by the weekend they were fair flying.”
For decades Dr Lanblether and his team have been working on ways of tapping into the immense hatred, sectarianism and bigotry generated by constitutional conflict here, hoping to transform them into positive power.
“We quickly discovered that dynamo activity was initiated around the time when the Brexit Bill passed last week, (Tuesday Oct 22).
“There were significant spikes, such as when loyalist Jamie Bryson made his remarks about betrayal and with the appearance of journalist Susan McKay’s article gloating about how Boris humiliated the DUP.
“Unionist feelings of outraged betrayal and self righteous nationalist gloating are interconnected,” he concluded, “what happened last week conclusively proves that they can be brought together to create something uniquely positive.”
“The power generated could have kept a village the size of Swatragh going for a month, if we’d been connected to the grid,” he said.
His technology vindicated, Dr Lanblether and his team are now pushing forward to harness the other negative tribal energies in the same way.
“Up to 10 new bigotry fuelled power stations could be commissioned in the medium to long term,” a confident Dr Lanblether predicted,“it is even conceivable that Northern Ireland will become so wealthy that personal income tax will no long need to be levied from wage earners in future.”
“The PM’s ‘Betrayal Act’ has a gold plated silver lining after all,” he concluded, “and it’s in now in everyone’s interest that Northern Ireland stays in the UK in order to take advantage of future cycles of betrayal and gloating, to say nothing of the veritable smorgasbord of other sectarian delights soon to be as exploitable as a seam of coal or cascading river!”
©Ten Grand Leo