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BREAKING: ‘Don’t think we’re turkeys at Christmas’ – Sinn Fein spitting feathers at sectarian slabber ban

'In the public interest' Secretary of State cracks down on pre-election slabbering

SINN Fein are on the cusp of jettisoning the democratic process after the Secretary of State has banned all forms of tribal and political slabbering in Northern Ireland for the duration of the election campaign.

Effective from midnight, Secretary of State, Julian Smith evoked a little known piece of legislation, called the ‘1832 Curtailing the Irish from Talking Act.’ 

“Given the historic nature of the election, I felt it was in the public interest,” Mr Smith MP told TGL, “the level of sectarian slabbering about Belfast constituencies alone is quite ghastly and already far exceeds acceptable British levels.”

“The spectacle of the anti-British parties on their high horses calling themselves un-tribal remainers, then making tribal pacts, is enough to drive a chap to drink. 

“So I thought gonads, I’m a Tory and I have the power so I’ll curtail the lot of them – as under UK law I have the perfect right to do.”

Sinn Fein, however are spitting feathers, “How dare the British Secretary of State ban us from talking,” party leader Mary Lou McDonald said indignantly, “if we can’t talk there’s plenty of other things we can be doing, don’t think we’re turkeys at Christmas,” she warned. 

“Pre-election slabbering, in fact slabbering of any sort,  is a national right of the Irish people.

“Sectarianism is something entirely different. There’s not a sectarian word has ever come out of my mouth, or the mouths of any Sinn Fein member in the history of the party, as our past dedication to armed struggle conclusively proves.

“How dare he tar us all with the same brush as the DUP whose whole 40 year existence is one unrepentant tribal slabber from beginning to end.”

However the DUP have cautiously welcomed the move. 

“Our vote works best the less said the better, ” a spokesperson said, “a return to the glory days when we sent a donkey up the Shankhill with a Union Jack instead of policies, would suit us nicely, and anyway we’re British not Irish, so it doesn’t really apply to us,” he concluded, with a UUP spokesperson in 100% agreement.  

Alliance, SDLP and Greens are slightly less indignant than Sinn Fein but the same sort of thing. 

Speculation that wannabe overlords from the Republic of Ireland are planning to evoke the same legislation after BREXIT leads to a united Ireland, are unconfirmed. 

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