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BREAKING: SDLP leader Colm Eastwood booted out of Dublin peace conference after failing the ‘Sectario-Scanner’

Power lost at peace conference as top Shinner tries to enter

SDLP leader, tribal Colm Eastwood MLA, has been booted out of an international  peace conference after failing to pass the ‘Sectario-Scan’ at the door to the conference hall.

Hosted in Dublin by the Dali Lama and former Irish President Mary Robinson, the ‘Peace isn’t Peace-meal’ conference organisers had put new measures in place to combat the spike in sectarian politicians posing as peacemakers in this increasingly militant age. 

Invited unionists hadn’t even bothered to try to get into the Main Hall, but had gone straight round to the granny flat extension, built to allow sectarian delegates to speak to conference through a flap.  

Though tribal Colm expected to breeze in, much to his annoyance the Sectario-Scanner beeped loudly as he tried to do so. 

Mr Eastwood, upon being asked to make his way to the granny flat, immediately called the technology into question, with senior officials being called down. 

However even after changing the batteries and slapping it a few times the Sectario-Scanner repeatedly showed a negative reading every-time Mr Eastwood tried to pass.

Officials gave him every chance, till finally they could do no other than judge the reading as correct.

“It’s the granny flat or home to Derry not Londonderry for you my lad,” he was told. 

It said something of the calibre of the SDLP man that he did go to the granny flat and subsequently made useful contributions to conference through the flap. 

However worse was to come for when Sinn Fein’s tribal John Finucane passed through the Sectario-Scan, it’s circuit board blew, leaving conference without power for 45 minutes. 

There was a tense standoff, when it appeared that an entitled looking Mr Finucane may have been thinking of trying to push his way in anyway.

However after taking advice he finally left the building and as yet hasn’t returned.

When things were up and running again, the last of the delegates, including Alliance’s Naomi Long were finally able to enter the Main Hall.

Speculation that it was nick and go for Claire Bailey of the Green Party has been quashed by a party spokesperson.

The spokesperson described reports that Ms Bailey snuck under Naomi Long’s coat to get through as “quite plainly nonsense.” 

“A good slap on the side cured the glitch and she passed through without difficulties on her second try,” the spokesperson insisted. 

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