BREAKING (against the wall) – Sinn Fein election candidate John Finucane promises 500 new public lavatories for Belfast

NORTH Belfast election candidate, Sinn Fein’s tribal John Finucane has blasted the Tory government and DUP for their failure to provide an acceptable number of public urinals across the city of Belfast.

The news comes as it emerged that Mr Finucane had been spoken to by police after being caught short in the Cathedral Quarter back in June.

“Whilst I am a highly penitent and humbled hoore, it is patently obvious that the Tory government and DUP are ultimately at fault for decades of under investment in public lavatory provision, with is totally inadequate,” Mr Finucane told TGL.

“Whilst I am not in any way excusing my indiscretion, the simple fact is that there were people pissing around me left right and centre because there was no where else to go.

“It was also patently obvious that most of them were Unionists,” he added.

“Belfast needs 500 new public urinals,” he concluded, “with 100 needed for the Holyland alone.”

“I give you my pledge that if elected as Westminster MP for North Belfast this monstrous inequality will be addressed and adequate public lavatory provision for the city of Belfast will pertain within the year.”

“Though I will be honouring the time honoured Sinn Fein party policy of abstention, my voice for change in his matter will be so compelling, it will be as if I am urinating on the floor of the British Parliament itself, splashing on the very feet of Boris Johnston, or better again Jacob Rees-Moggs.”