Beastly Con Con Ulster-Scots Uncategorized

‘Return to the Homeland’ Top Irish News journalist overwhelmed by guilt after nasty little letter published

RAF to airlift top Northern Irish newsman to Rockall for penance after Leo phones Boris

A SENIOR member of The Irish News editorial team has been repatriated to the mid Atlantic islet of Rockall for “penance”, TGL can exclusively reveal.

Our ‘Deep Stoat’ inside the paper told TGL that he was cut down by a “withering paroxysm of guilt” following the publishing of a nasty little letter on his watch at the paper.

The letter writer suggested that in the event of a united Ireland it, “would be beneficial to encourage the descendants of Scottish Planters to return to their original homeland.” 

This could potentially include great swathes of the Protestant and Unionist population of Northern Ireland. 

“To publish a letter advocating radical demographic relocation in a jurisdiction with a history of conflict about the possession of territory, without so much as a qualification as to its extreme contents, is unbelievable,” said international human rights and equality lawyer Dr Sergei Slapovitch, “especially given the paper’s progressive stance and sensitivity in respect of other minority groups.” 

“The headline ‘Return to the Homeland’ was written by someone in The Irish News itself, without so much as an inverted comma in sight to indicate displeasure at the contents.” 

The paper faced sizeable social media outrage, but as usual no actual challenge from Unionists.

Deep Stoat told TGL: “I knew I should have got those inverted commas on and I was struck down by a withering paroxysm of guilt after reading former DUP MLA Nelson McCausland’s outraged thread. 

“Nelson was so right in everything he said that the floor just fell away from my moral universe.

“I phoned Leo, Leo phoned Boris who phoned the RAF who agreed to get me out to Rockall for penance!” 

“My ancestors came from Rockall when it was Atlantis you see,” Deep Stoat explained, “so it will be a salutory lesson for me! 

“When Atlantis sunk we came and conquered Ireland, fighting straight up the beach and into the majority community. 

“We cannot let our standards drop, especially with the united Ireland so close.

“The world will be keeping a very beady eye on the language we use to describe the soon to be minority on the island or should be if Unionist leaders were half doing their job.”  

“So it’ll be sackcloth and seagull shit for me until the next Unionist propaganda own goal facilitates a glorious return,” Deep Stoat concluded.

Commenting further on the letter and the Nationalist complacency surrounding it, Dr Slapovitch said: “Perhaps the indifference at such extremism stems from an intolerant hubris within the Irish national psyche, quietly justifying itself within the context of a carefully nurtured outrage about past oppressions.”     

“Could you imagine The Irish News publishing a letter with such a pseudo benevolent tone advocating the “encouraged” repatriation of EU nationals after Brexit? I do not think they would. People would quite rightly find this utterly unacceptable.” 

©Ten Grand Leo

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