INTERNATIONAL political fart assessor Dr Blooter Passwind Parpindale has visited Northern Ireland in the aftermath of the December 12 election, measuring the farts of newly elected representatives and analysing their significance.
Dr Parpindale’s work translating sectarianism into fart smells is internationally respected, having contributed to conflict resolution in various countries.
The hope has been expressed that his presence will help get devolution restored here too.
“The white fart of SDLP sectarianism is most striking,” Dr Parpindale claims,
“The new South Belfast MP tribal Claire Hanna’s farts smell of nothing what so ever, further they are noiseless and formless, allowing the denial of their existence all together – what we in the business call a ‘white fart’ – which is quite rare.
“These ‘white farts’ are 20 times more silent and deadly than the much more common ‘silent but extremely stinky’ variety.
“This ‘white fart’ empowers her and her party to brand much unionist collective behaviour as sectarian, with an apparently unassailable certainty, utterly oblivious to their own actions in that regard.
“Her recent actions and those of her party colleague Colm Eastwood in relation to the Oath at Allegiance to the Queen are unquestionably actions of the nationalist ‘sect’,” he said.
“New North Belfast MP, Sinn Fein’s tribal John Finucane is spicy rotten sausage, with beer and garlic,” Dr Parpindale claims, “not a surprise, reflecting the bland way in which his party glosses over extreme violations of people’s right to life and liberty in the name of their own sectarian sense of national sovereignty. ”
Dr Parpindale said that new North Down Alliance MP Stephen Farry was an odourless conundrum, until he revealed it was party policy to have a surgical implant installed that artificially filters out any internally generated undesirable miasmas.
“Obviously most of the DUP MP’s are total botty belchers,” Dr Parpindale went on, “however new Upper Bann MP Carla Lockhart farts least and with least offence,” Dr Parpindale paused, “but here the true power and majesty of the ‘white fart’ is revealed, as all the SDLP farts and a significant portion of Sinn Fein farts are deflected on to her leaving her the smelliest culprit of all, politically speaking.
“If there was a united Ireland tomorrow, the deflection both nationalist parties engage in renders them utterly unfit to discharge their moral responsibilities to unionist minorities,” Dr Parpindale concluded.
©Ten Grand Leo