‘Super-staples will hold Scotland and England together for decades or even a century after BREXIT’ says PM

SUPER-staples, the manufacture of which will create tens of thousands of jobs, will keep Scotland and England together after BREXIT.

This is just one of the ‘vunderveapon’ ideas contained in a tape recording sent anonymously to TGL purporting to be  a conversation between the PM and Nosferatu himself, Dominic Cummings. 

“Hey Dom, I think this staple idea of yours is just super,” the PM is heard remarking, “we can either build them from scratch creating tens of thousands of jobs or grab a few dozen Scottish oil rigs and grind the big legs down a bit to make them pointy.”

“Glad you think so, Boris,” the other undead voice agreed. 

“I am starting to suspect that Boris has lost the plot,” East Antrim MP Sammy Wilson confessed to TGL, “this confirms rumours circulating in Westminster that he is planning a series of ‘super staples’ along the Scottish/English border, that he feels will guarantee our precious union stays together in the decades following BREXIT. 

“I would have thought that a few staples, or at least duct tape in wee Nicola’s gub would cost the tax payer less,” Sammy said, “or maybe legislation banning secession referendums anywhere in the UK.”

‘Super-staples’ are just one the UK saving ‘vunderveapons’ discussed in the tape,  named after the weapons the NAZIS believed would allow them to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat in the closing stages of the war. 

Mr Wilson was not impressed when we put it to him that the PM was talking about using baling twine to hold Northern Ireland within the UK, saying that this was not acceptable to the DUP. 

“I as up for oil rigs as the next man and we would certainly want Northern Ireland to be treated the same,” he concluded.

TGL had played the tape to the PM who flapped us away, saying,“you can tell these bug-ers, from me, to bugger off.”  

©Ten Grand Leo