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BREAKING: Fantastic new ‘Ryanair Equality’ service will see holiday luggage upgraded to the same status as passengers

AIR INDUSTRY professionals and passengers alike are drawing a breath this evening after it has emerged that budget airline giant Ryanair look set to downgrade passengers to the same status as luggage. 

Documents obtained by TGL on the ‘ground-breaking’ new ‘Ryanair Equality’ service reveals that aircraft in the airline’s Boeing 737 fleet will in future hold 400 units of what are termed ‘bio-luggage’ as well as ordinary baggage.

“Passengers and luggage will be regarded as the same, for the purposes of the flight and all will be stowed in the hold together,” the document states.

“This will more than double the capacity of our aircraft from 189 paying units to 400.”

The news comes as hundreds of Irish holiday makers were left stranded in Lisbon after Ryanair cancelled a fight without explanation. 

“I’m neither confirming nor denying anything,” a spokesperson told TGL, “but I will say this, it’s a load of bollix that it’s cold down there with less oxygen, they just tell you that.

“And wouldn’t it be far easier for passengers to go aboard up the conveyer belt, for between you and me them aule iron steps are a feckin death trap! 

“But – and this is the beauty of the plan, (if indeed such a plan exists) – bio-luggage can upgrade to full passenger status for a small fee.

 “It means cheaper flights for passengers and more dosh for us, so everyone wins!

“It’s not such a big step as you think we have cramming them in and treating them like shite for years anyway,” 

“But the real beauty of bio-luggage is that when they are nicely doped up and straight jacketed, they are not in a position to incessantly whinge after the odd wee cancelled flight or being left stranded without explanation.” 

“It’ll sell itself on the novelty value alone,” the spokesperson concluded.

TGL understands that the first ‘Ryanair Equality’ craft will be ready for the 2020 summer holiday season.

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