BREAKING: stools, cigars and guillotines – the truth revealed on how British and Irish Ministers persuaded the DUP and Sinn Fein back into government

DUP accuse Irish Foreign Minister of being ‘colonial overlord’, he is ‘miserable blue shirt fecker’ say Sinn Fein

IRISH Foreign Minister Simon Coveney offered to sit on a wee stool looking at the wall to help unionists over the line with the New Decade, New Approach deal. 

So says one insider to the negotiations, who also claims that miniature French revolution guillotines were used to persuade Sinn Fein back into Stormont. 

Foreign Minster Coveney and former Secretary of State Julian Smith have dismissed these claims as “absolutely without foundation.” 

However questions remain about how last month’s breakthrough appeared as if by magic after years of coat trailing, intransigence and prevarication.

One make or break moment, according to our TGL source, was when a senior DUP negotiator told Mr Coveney that he was “sitting in Stormont like a colonial overlord.” 

“Listen, I’ll sit on a wee stool to one side and look at the wall, if it makes it any easier for you,” Mr Coveney is said to have retorted. 

TGL understands that a Sinn Fein representative then shouted, “you’ll sit where you’re at you miserable blue shirt fecker!” 

“The Irish Foreign Minister might have said that but he didn’t make much shape at doing it,” DUP leader Arlene Foster noted, “he was holding tighter to that seat than Dr Paisley to his armchair on the Loyalist workers strike committee.” 

Mr Coveney and Mr Smith have also strenuously denied rumours that they produced miniature French revolutionary guillotine style cigar cutters and looked at party representatives meaningfully as they worked the chopping mechanism up and down. 

“Nonsense,” the joint statement claimed. 

Sinn Fein leader Mary Lou McDonald would neither confirm nor deny these claims.

She rejected any idea that she would be sitting off to one side if she became Irish Foreign Minister. 

“Not I most certainly would not sit on a wee stool to one side,” Mary Lou said, “You can shove peace up your  **** on that basis. Peace is about equality, equality is whatever we say it is and that’s not equality!” 

“But wouldn’t it help persuade people that you aren’t a crocodile and be a nice gesture?” she was asked.

“No it wouldn’t! Look it, would you give over with this aule bollix, I’ll soon have a wee nation-state to run. 

“And I give you my solemn promise that when that happens I will personally select the wee corner stools for unionists to use in a united Ireland, myself,” she concluded. 

©Ten Grand Leo

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