BREAKING: ‘Head-the-balls’ threaten disruption after Irish Football Association ban headers

Total header threatens to electrify every washing line in Northern Ireland

THOUSANDS of irate ‘head-the-balls’ are promising a campaign of civil disobedience after the announcement that under 11s are to be banned from doing headers during football practice.

“Never mind the health and safety gone mad, this draconian rule creates an existential crisis for us,” says lifelong ‘head-the-ball’ Brian Batts, who once electrified his mother’s washing line for a joke.

The new football association guidelines, though based on studies suggesting that heading a soccer ball can lead to Alzheimer’s, cuts little ice with him.  

“I’m a proud ‘header’ and always have been.

“This ban will mean young people will grow up to disparage us,” he claimed, “people will think we have a screw loose, they will link us to ill health, making the daily difficulties we face far worse.”

Brian is chairperson of Head-the-Ball Committee for Northern Ireland (HTBCNI) whose honorary president is late Blue Peter presenter and occasional ‘head-the-ball’, John Noakes, who climbed to the top of Nelson’s Column on a ladder without safety ropes.

John Noakes, ‘Blue Peter’ presenter pictured when he scaled Nelson’s Column in Trafalgar Square, London in 1977, in a special for the Television Programme ‘Blue Peter’.

“Jeremy Clarkson wanted to be President, but he’s just an aule actor compared to Noaksie,” Brian explained.

“Thousands of us, experienced in every known form of head-the-ballism, from idiotic public behaviour, drug taking and squandering to standing ridiculously close to falling buildings and wild beasts, are planning the biggest campaign of protest ever seen,” Brian, told TGL, “Nelson’s Column and a thousand other monuments will be climbed nude, at night, in the frost, make no mistake about it!

“When the washing lines of this country go live you’ll see the power we have.

“I mean you don’t ban smoking just because it kills thousands from lung cancer, do you?” the total header concluded.

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