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BREAKING: DUP and Sinn Féin MLAs ecstatic after handshaking banned in wake of coronavirus outbreak

Leaked ‘coronavirus windfall’ report reveals that ditching the facade of courtesy could save millions

THERE were massive sighs of relief all round in Stormont today after medical advice released in the wake of the coronavirus outbreak has discouraged hand shaking.

The advice came after the first case of the deadly virus was reported in Northern Ireland, with people also being told to wash their hands as often as possible, especially after coughing and sneezing.  

“It’s a big weight off the shoulders of both the DUP and Sinn Fein top brass on the hill,” said veteran political commentator,  Robbie Nobbs, “after three years of collapsed Assembly and BREXIT bitterness some of them are having to dash to the toilet to boke after shaking hands with Executive colleagues in the other party, as part of keeping up the facade.

“Each of them knows that Executive colleagues in the other party would destroy the British or Irish national vision they have devoted their life to, and p*ss on their granny’s grave when they were doing it. 

“This doesn’t help cordial human relations.   

“But now they have the perfect excuse to scale back the facade.”

Such is their keenness to take advantage of this unexpected bounty that has dropped into their laps that a secret ‘coronavirus windfall’ report has already been prepared by both parties and leaked to the press. 

“It would save a lot of public money if we could just ditch the facade and call you the murdering, sectarian, unborn child killing Marxist bastards that you are,” the DUP part of the report states. 

“Savings certainly could be made expressing  the intolerant, homophobic, fascist, bigoted truth about you shite hawks,” the Sinn Fein part agreed. 

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