THE ghosts of Nobel laureates Seamus Heaney and John Hume have attacked Foyle MP Colm Eastwood’s Londonderry home in what police are describing as a paranormal slime attack.
The SDLP leader is understood to be shaking like a ghost himself, after the incident which was apparently related to the way he used Seamus Heaney’s peace loving poetry to throw the Northern Ireland Centenary plans back in the faces of the organisers.
Unconfirmed reports suggest the spectre of former MP Hume waited at Free Derry Corner for Heaney’s to come from Bellaghy, before heading up to knock up young Colm.
They slimed him in Ghostbusters fashion as he emerged.
“What did you do that for!” Colm protested, according to a man who witnessed the exchanges that followed.
“A bit of a white beard does not a wise man make, young fella,” Hume wagged a ghostly finger at him, “that’s for throwing Seamus’s verse in the face of the Northern Ireland centenary plans. Did we not do decades of civil rights struggle to get on the feckin poster?”
“Aye that’s right, big lad,” Seamus rejoined, “the rock my art was built on was a free British university education and never you forget it.
“Now you know what the poor Secretary of State felt like.”
Poor Colm hung his head.
“But political daddy, cultural daddy, I thought youse would appreciate it!” protested Colm.
“No, the good Lord appreciates petty rebel points scoring, NOT.” Hume said.
“If we had our time again, we would view our Ulster Protestant fellow countrymen to the highest standards afforded to minorities on our treasured little isle, not picking holes in everything they say and do that doesn’t comply with the nasty mean little moral ghetto we in the new Ireland of equals have been building for them.” Heaney went on.
“We’re toasting the Queen every night of the week, in heaven” Hume added, “it’s great, you should try it!”
The pair then departed, poof.
©Ten Grand Leo