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Secretary of State pens open letter to Colm Eastwood: ‘I am but a pathetic oppressing Englishman, and you are a mean spirited wee bollix’

Lord Carson with a Union Flag table cloth will be going on the 200th anniversary vows SOC

Dear Colm

I grovel before your moral superiority, my head bowed low as I retrace my steps back from your magnificent presence. 

I am but a pathetic oppressing Englishman who knows nothing about Ireland, in fact I know less than nothing and a Tory to boot. There was me thinking that if I included the quite consciously Catholic and Nationalist poet Seamus Heaney with the Unionist Prod being an elderly lady without a political bone in her body, ones British demeanour would have been discrete and low enough to escape sectarian censure. 

There was me thanking that a magnanimous leader of a magnanimous community would at least have had the decency to allow others to appreciate, (as I feel positive your former party leader and MP the late Mr Hume would have done), even if your entitled high nationalism did not allow you to concede our peaceful inclusive intentions, mean spirited wee bollix that you are.

But my Right Honourable Colleague, throwing it in our faces after all our softly softly intentions, matters little, I’m a Tory and know well my own lowness, even in England, never mind in Ireland. 

Vastly more important is the way our thirst for inclusion was guided by the spirit of the Good Friday Agreement. 

You may not be aware, but this treaty internationally recognises Northern Ireland as a territory, whose people have the right to democratically determine which nation they belong to. 

Scoffing disrespectfully  at the anniversary of Northern Ireland coming into existence spits in the face of the progress that has been made since the founding of the state and the shared space enjoyed by the majority of people who identify with Northern Ireland as their home.

Next time perhaps we’ll put Lord Carson on the poster, with his Union Jack table cloth to boot; give you something proper to whinge about.

Yours Rt Hon Brandon Lewis

©Ten Grand Leo

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