REPUBLIC of Ireland President Michael D. Higgins has announced a new initiative that will allow Protestant Unionist and Loyalist actors from Northern Ireland to earn millions in Dublin whilst mouthing off about how crap it is down there at the same time.
The President launched his 20million Euro Áras an Pwoddy Waudy Actor initiative at his stately residence Áras an Uachtaráin yesterday.
Explaining Mr O’Higgins said: “For years them whores across the water in England have been forking out millions on wages for Irish actors with a taste for republican spouting.”
Mr O’Higgins added that only this week Fermanagh’s British cop show star Adrian Dunbar and famed Protestant republican actor Stephen Rea and been hard at it with the former bumming up the united Ireland, and the latter marking the centenary of Northern Ireland by saying how hateful it was for Catholics.
Mr O’Higgins said: “I thought isn’t it a wonderful thing to see them lads being able to spout away like that against a country that has been so kind to them career wise.
“That’s a proper liberal democracy at work, I thought!
“But then I thought bay jaysus we wouldn’t want anyone to be thinking that they were more tolerant than us, here in the new Ireland of equals.
“Thus I conceived of my Pwoddy Waudy Actor initiative, offering acting jobs to those most treasured of citizens, the PUL minority on the island.
“We decided to call them Pwoddy Waudies instead of Protestants to take the tension out of the term,” the President said, “Explicit reference to Protestant causes incontinence in our aule women for historical reasons,” he revealed apologetically.
“But apart from that we are good to go! We look forward to PUL writers, artists and actors coming south spouting any pro- British and unionist crap they feel like.
“They can undercut our pretension to being a nationally sovereign people, every day of the week and twice on the …er… sabbath…if they want.
“They can define us by purile generalisations and banal stereotypes and tell the world how bigoted and sectarian we are and we will turn the other cheek with a smile.”
The move was greeted with some bemusement by the DUP, with one insider conceding that they hadn’t a droplet of creative talent to send south to avail of the scheme.
“We’ll soon sort that,” the source remarked, his face lighting up like a wood burner.
Co Leitrim Ulster-Scots freedom activist Sawney McCleaver welcomed the move saying:
“This is a great opportunity for young actors to speak their piece against the nationalist overlords who are never held accountable because their ancestors were oppressed.
“Now is the perfect chance to hold the feckers to account without damaging your career, getting branded a bigot, or being the victim of a hate crime!”
“In fact I might hop over the border and take up the acting myself to avail of the scheme. The white fart of Catholic sectarianism is a stinker long overdue for addressing,” he concluded.
©Ten Grand Leo