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COVID 19 Celtic Tiger super surge: Irish worker productivity soars and drunken scuttery plummets due to pandemic pub closures

THE CLOSURE of Irish pubs in 2020 due to the pandemic is directly responsible for the massive growth in the Irish economy it has been claimed.

“Pub closures has meant a drastic reduction drunken scuttery and all round pissheadedness across the country,” claims Economy expert Dr Felix Von Faffenhausen, “freed from the shackles of the 10 pinter nights in the local, the average Irish worker has become far more productive!

“No more hangovers, or heading off early on a Friday, or even a Thursday afternoon to get wasted in the pub with workmates.

“No more late starts and hours lost because you stayed up till all hours on a Sunday night making an eejit of yourself on some dance floor.

“The talents of the nation are being truly utilised for the first time, in fact I think the best thing the Irish people can do is convert to Islam immediately, thus ensuring a fantastic future for our grandchildren.”

The latest figures reveal that the Irish economy grew 3% last year when every other economy in the EU, if not the world has crashed due to the COVID 19 pandemic.

Taoiseach Michael Martin, and former Taoiseach Leo Varadkar are really slapping themselves on the back for all their wise and informed leadership, this past year.

“I wouldn’t be getting on my high horse if I were them, Dr Von Faffenhausen said, “the average citizen’s view that they did feck all isn’t far off the truth.”

“It’s pub closures and the reduction in opportunities for slabbering and other bullshit that is the cause, making Irish people more attentive to their jobs!”

Barman Barney Mulgrew wasn’t so sure, “Sounds like a lot of bollix to me,” he told TGL, “half the population would murder ye for a pint of the black stuff in an aule country pub.

“It’s a powder keg, I’m telling ye!”

Barney confessed he had got a second job in a medical supplies factory making PPE and all that stuff, for use by health services around the world.

“But I’ll not be converting to Islam,” insisted the Rastafarian.

©Ten Grand Leo

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