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Jobs boost for Unionist workers after St Patrick’s Day John Hume bottom licking frenzy – we can produce as many arses as needed confirms Orange CEO

PEACE in the new Ireland of equals is working for north Antrim protestant villages, a local business man and Orangeman has said. 

Bro. Aubrey McCoubray, of LOL 666 and CEO of ‘Posterity Posteriors Ltd’ is delighted to announce the creation of ten new jobs just months after the death of internationally recognised Londonderry statesman John Hume.

‘Posterity Posteriors,’ based in Dunochaye, near Ballymena, produces simulated bottoms designed to be licked by the adoring supporters of deceased politicians. 

“We’ve been doing posterity posteriors for the international market for some years,” CEO McCoubray revealed, “my skilled artisans are highly trained and North Korea has been a particularly active market for us; Russia is good too.

“But you couldn’t believe our amazement after John Hume passed away last year and Derry and Strabane District Council put in an advance order for 500 of our prime bottoms, in anticipation of licking needs by adoring John Hume sycophants. 

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“The tendering process was so un-sectarian, I’ve walked behind kick the pope bands on numerous occasions and they didn’t discriminate or anything,” Mr McCoubray revealed. 

“Without doubt it helped us out during lockdown and we certainly appreciate that.”

But the news was even better, as Mr McCoubray continued:

“Everyone is saying that unionists are excluded from the new Ireland, but I can confirm that this is a load of old bullocks.

“The repeat order came in just before Christmas, for, would you believe it, they came back to say every premium arse had been be licked thin by pure adoration in just a couple of months – and they wanted 1000 more.

“Better again, since then new US President Biden put in an order for 5000 extra arses in advance of the St Patrick’s Day Remembering John Hume event, we’ve had to quadruple our workforce to cope. 

“Northern Ireland wouldn’t be known for arse licking its politicians, but this is unprecedented, “ Mr McCoubray said, “I thought John Hume was a sectarian catholic politician when he was alive, but now I know different, his legacy can tickle my capitalist credentials any time he likes.

“And I’ll have  good word from him on the next 12th forbye. I’ve a notion to make him an Honorary Brother of LOL 666, something I know he would treasure. 

“He’s not  a bit like that wee white fart sectarian leader they have now, Colum Eastwood, no respect for the Northern Ireland Centenary or anything. And as for minority rights and equality, well arse or no arse you can forget that as far as they are concerned and the Irish government too.”

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